Edpunzel
by The Dark Dweller
Summary: Edpunzel(Ed) remains locked away in a tower dreaming of one day seeing the lights in the sky, he soon discovers there are worse things than being locked in a tower... Pure crack!
1. Edpunzel and Roy Rider

**Pure, unedited crack. If you're here for a plot walk away. This is just to help me get through writers block for my other story. Think of it as a Tangled, FMA mash up!**

"This is the story of the day I died."

"Shut up Roy."

* * *

Edpunzel sat in his room again bored out of his skull. Mother Lust always took forever to get back from her trips. Ed was dressed in a nice purple dress much to his disgust because Mother always wanted a pretty girl, and besides with all that lovely hair, Ed did look more like a girl than anything.

"Today is the day Al." The metal giant suit of armor nodded in excitement. "Today, I will ask Mother to let me see those damn lights. After all, when will my life begin?"

"It never hurts to try!" Alphonse spoke up excitedly.

"Edpunzel! Let down your hair!"

With a soft groan he complied, throwing his extraordinary golden locks down the tower through the window and then he pulled for all he was worth. Alphonse took his place along the wall as a "decoration".

Mother, with breasts the sizes of watermelons, stepped in with a smile. Ed briefly wondered if that was why she was so heavy when he pulled her up.

"Well well if it isn't flower! Edpunzel, how was your day?"

"I told you to call me Ed." He blew a strand of hair out of his face. "Can we talk?"

"No... I do feel, odd." Mother smirked softly.

"Fine." Ed shoved some of his hair into Mother's arms and began to sing off tune, "Flower in my head, Mom looks kind of dead, heal her up just fine while remaining so divine." There was a specific tune Ed was told to sing but he liked making things up on the spot just to irritate her.

Mother gasped in horror as the effects came suddenly, her youth restored nonetheless.

"Anyway, I just wanted to cut to the chase and say I want to go see the floating lights in the sky."

"No." Mother replied. "There are monsters out there Who would do anything to hurt you, and you're just a delicate flower. Just stay up here, after all, mother knows best."

Ed groaned softly. "Fine then. If I can't go, you should get me more of that special m... Mi... M... mil..." The word couldn't leave his mouth. Mother Lust rolled Her eyes.

"Milk? But Edpunzel, I just got back and I want to rest."

"Then you might want to hurry and get going." He retorted. "I have a tower to clean."

"Fine. I'll get you that milk." Mother was let back down and Ed was left again.

* * *

The heist was a success! Roy Rider bolted as fast as he could with Greed and Gluttony on his heels. The three had stolen the crown of the lost prince and were almost to victory!

"Here's a bright idea, hoist me up on that rock and I'll protect the crown." Roy offered.

"And take the money for yourself?" Greed sneered. "Try again."

"Well how about this, you hold the crown and hoist me up and I'll pull you two up."

"That sounds better." Greed lifted Gluttony who helped Roy up. "Help us up!"

"Sorry, my hands are full." Roy dangled the bag above them before taking off again. Roy was a master mind at these heists and lucky for him, Greed and Gluttony were too dumb to keep up.

He only had a few seconds before more guards were chasing him. He left the two brothers behind and ran for all he was worth. Seeing a vine, he had a great idea.

"We got him now Alex!" The horse neighed, the single curl on the top of his mane glimmering beautifully in the sunlight.

The art of chasing this criminals down had been passed down generations in Alex Armstrong's family and he wouldn't break that pattern now.

Roy swung around a tree and knocked the guard off landing perfectly on the horse who jerked to a stop and turned his head towards Roy.

"Go!" Roy kicked. "Hyah!"

The horse seemed to growl trying to get the satchel. Roy pulled it back trying to keep it away. Alex grabbed the bag with his strong teeth and jerked it away but unfortunately lost grip, the bag hung on a lone tree growing on the side of a cliff.

With fast thinking, Roy leapt off the horse trying to get it first, but Alex was hot on his trail. When Roy was able to reach the bag, the tree snapped and Roy briefly wondered if there was a god out there just laughing at him.

The two fell for what seemed like an eternity before landing in a river. Roy was out first and dashed behind a rock, Alex got out shortly after but failed to see Roy and he dashed off.

Roy breathed a sigh of relief. He went to rest on a wall behind thick vines to find there was no wall, it was a secret cave! Perfect!

He went in to find a tower and with his quick thinking, was able to climb the tower. He could hear Alex in the distance looking for him. Roy slammed the doors shut and sighed in relief.

 _Bang!_

Something struck Roy in the arm and he turned in shock. "What the...?"

Edpunzel stood there with a glare, holding a frying pan.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didnt know dwarfs lived here, if you would give me about ten minutes I'll be out of your hair..." Roy swallowed at the sight of the golden locks.

"Hey, I got a secret to tell you, come here." Ed motioned for Roy to bend down which he did. "I AM NOT A DWARF!" And with that, Roy was knocked out by the frying pan.

 **Depending on popularity I may or may not continue this story.**


	2. Going Outside

Edpunzel struggled to get the man in the closet.

"Ed, I don't think this is a good idea." Al spoke softly.

"Shut up and get him in there." Ed huffed and Al softly put Roy inside.

"Maybe we should let him go."

"No. This is exactly what I need." Ed grinned triumphantly. "I'm going go see those lights even if I die. Hide the satchel."

Al held up the satchel. "Why is this so important?"

"Hey it's got a crown in it!" Ed put the crown on his head. "Look at me! I'm some important King!"

"Do you think it's stolen?" Al asked.

"Maybe. Hey, I'm going to break out of here and maybe we can sell it. Get money. Then we can start a life out there!"

"Edpunzel!" Ed sighed. "And of course this is when she comes along."

Ed pulled Mother up and by the time she was up, Ed was out of breath.

"Jeez... How much... Do you... Weigh?" He panted.

"Good thing I got you that milk. You need that major grow-"

"DON'T." Ed huffed. "Don't. Say. It."

"Well. I got that milk. Now I am going to rest."

"Wait. You know how you think I can't do anything? Well guess what-"

"It's not that you can't do anything, you are so small you might get hurt. Stepped on probably."

Ed growled. "No. I mean I can leave because-"

"Edpunzel! You are not leaving this tower! Ever!"

Ed stepped back in shock. "I know what I want for my birthday..." He said quietly, a plan coming to mind.

"And what would that be?" Mother asked, her voice full of annoyance.

"Maybe some new books? The ones with the spells?"

"That takes three days to get there and back." Mother replied.

"For me?" Ed asked softly.

"Fine. I'll get you one of those good brushes too. You need it. I shall grab my things."

Ed eagerly packed food and some supplies for Mothers journey. He was excited to send her off.

"Ed... What are you doing?" Al whispered skeptically.

"I'm getting her out of here." Ed whispered back.

When it was time Ed just waved with a smirk plastered on his face. When she turned Her back him, he stuck his tongue out.

"Alright Al, grab the man and put him here." Al sighed and grabbed Roy putting him in the chair while Ed tied him down with his hair.

Al froze. Ed seemed to read his mind.

"Oh right, like we have any rope. What else should I use?" Ed scoffed. "Wake him up."

"How?"

"Give him a wet Willy."

"Ed, I don't have saliva."

"Just stick you finger in."

Al sighed and obeyed, Roy jerked to the side. "WHO IS STICKING METAL IN MY EAR?!"

Ed grinned. "Well. I have your satchel. Now you have to do something for me if you want it back."

Roy looked up, a splitting headache still fogging his mind. "Hey gorgeous. Anything for you."

Ed blushed and struggle forming words. "IM A BOY." Was all he managed.

Roy snapped back to reality. "WHY ARE YOU IN A DRESS?! AND WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR HAIR LIKE A GIRL'S?"

Ed huffed. "I'm Ed. And I don't know okay? I think Mothers messed up in the head."

"Obviously. Listen, why don't you just let me go and we can forget this ever happened."

"No no no." Ed chuckled. "You are taking me to see those lights in the sky. The ones over the kingdom."

"No. I'm considered a criminal. Not really going to go to the place I'm wanted. Some would call that suicide."

"Hey Al. Do it again."

"Do what? What is he going to do?" Roy asked in slight panic.

His question was answered when Al put his finger back in the older man's ear.

"OKAY OKAY! Just don't do that again." Roy sighed in relief when the finger was removed.

"So when I get to see one, you can have the crown back."

"You looked in the bag?!"

"Yeah, it's nice."

Roy sighed. "Fine. I'll take you."

It took an hour to untie the man from all the hair and even then the knots were still in Ed's hair.

"Well Al. Here we go." Ed stood breathless, it was exciting to be going against Mothers rules.

"Wait Ed. How am I getting down?"

"Hold on I got this."

Roy stood at the base of the tower and watched in shock when the giant tin suit came down slowly by a strand of hair.

"I'm officially part of a clown show." Roy sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Ed eventually came swinging down in excitement.

"Hey, what's with the tin suit?" Roy asked.

"I used to have a friend that was a camellion but this guy fell over and squished him. He's my permanent friend now. We're practically brothers."

"I said I was sorry." Al mumbled.

"It is dangerous. You sure you don't want to go back up? Wouldn't your mom be upset when you weren't there when she came home?" Roy asked.

"You're right... She would be so upset..." Ed thought for a second. "Oh well. Let's go."

And the journey began. They were less than ten feet from the cave when there was a rustle in the bushes. Roy froze briefly wondering if it was Alex coming after him, but to he relief it was only a small rabbit.

Ed on the other hand wasn't so relieved, with the frying pan in hand, he hit thT rabbit half-way across the country much to Al and Roy's horror.

"Ed! Why did you do that?!" Al cried out.

"Yeah! Who hits a poor little bunny with a frying pan?" Roy added.

"It scared me." Ed replied like that explained everything.

"So you hit it? Do you ever think before you act?"

"No." Ed and Al answered in unison.

"Here's an idea. I know of a great place to stop. First time out of that tower right? We should celebrate with a great breakfast on me!"

"Uh... Okay."

And so Roy took him to his favorite restaurant, Dogs of the Military.


End file.
